Lava Lamp? Genie? What?
by unknown20troper
Summary: Valerie gets Norm's lamp. T to be safe. Series of oneshots. Not Phantom Planet-compliant. On HIATUS
1. Mistaken For a Ghost

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Fairly OddParents _or _Danny Phantom._

**Author's Note: **Constructive criticism welcomed, particularly on characterization.

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_**Lava Lamp? Genie? What?**_

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**Mistaken For a Ghost**

Valerie Gray wondered why the lava lamp was there. Her family didn't have much money now, so she knew that her dad couldn't have got it for her. Did Vlad send it to help her with her ghost hunting or as a reward?

If _Vlad _was helping or rewarding her, he probably didn't know that she had learned that he was a ghost, and that she had put him on her enemy list.

Valerie rubbed it, guessing that if it was new ghost-hunting equipment that would probably be the way to activate it.

Blue smoke edged with pink sparkles spiraled out of the lamp, dissipating to show what appeared to be a ghost wearing a fez, bangles and a shirtless vest.

Valerie clapped her toes together, causing her red-and-black metallic ghost-hunting suit to cover her and air-surf board to appear beneath her feet.

"You're going down, ghost!"

"One: cool outfit. Two: Going down? At least get to know me first. Three: I'm not a ghost," said the ghost in a sardonic tone.

"Don't lie to me, ghost. It's obvious that you are one."

The ghost's facial expression changed to a WTF. "How's it obvious that I'm a ghost? I'm not translucent, am I? Also, I know that I'm not wearing a sheet? I'm Norm the Genie and you just got three wishes."

"Translucent? Wearing a sheet? Those aren't signs of ghosthood," replied Valerie, blasting at 'Norm.'

"Well, they were the last time I was around," replied Norm sardonically. "What, do ghosts come out of lamps now and have tails nowadays?"

"You mean the seventies, ghost?" replied Valerie.

"What, do I look dated or something? I meant the 2000s, not the seventies."

"It is the 2000s, ghost. Boy, you're behind the times!"

"Is it? My name is Norm, not ghost. Or if you insist on having me on a species-name-basis, at least get it right. Genie, not ghost."

"Alright then, ghost-genie," replied Valerie.

"Speaking of genie, wanna use your wishes and doom me to more boredom in my lamp?" asked Norm sardonically.

"Nope," replied Valerie, recalling the other genie-ghost, Desiree. "I can doom you just as well with this."

"Right…" said Norm, his voice full of sarcasm. "The only doom I'm vulnerable to is eternal boredom. Your blasters don't blast that."

"Weird weakness," commented Valerie, feeling too angry to process the ghost-genie's sardonic tone.

The ghost-genie rolled his eyes and muttered a general insult to the brainpower of all humankind.

"Alright, I'll give it to you straight, I'm immortal. The only thing your blasters will ever do is slightly hurt. I won't die, so please don't shout 'why won't you die' at me when you see that I'm not dead."

Valerie figured that if that was a lie, the ghost was probably very suicidal. Even if the ghost were suicidal, she'd still want to kill it anyway, so she figured that the ghost was probably telling the truth.

That meant it wasn't a ghost.

However, that didn't mean she could let down her guard. Even though ghosts were the ultimate source of all evil, that didn't mean that there weren't any species that scored second place. Non-ghost genies were probably evil too, since the actual ghost-genie was evil. The genie did get a kick of insulting her, so it obviously was malicious.

Valerie clapped her feet again, causing her suit and air-surf board to re-enter their containers. She knew that they'd be useless against the genie. But, if they were useless, how could she defeat it?


	2. Fenton Phantom

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Fairly OddParents _or _Danny Phantom._

**Author's Note: **Constructive criticism welcomed, particularly on characterization.

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**Fenton Phantom**

Valerie growled a curse under her breath. Danny Phantom had escaped her! Again!

"I wish Danny Phantom was here, right now, so I could waste him!"

GONG!

Valerie groaned. She had obviously forgotten that she had an evil, wish-granting genie. She expected to see Danny Phantom appear, but instead she saw Danny Fenton. Did the genie have an ear infection or something?

Fenton couldn't be Phantom, could he?

"This cannot be," said Valerie. "Fenton can't be Phantom!"

Then, she thought back to Dani Phantom. Dani was both a ghost and a human. She had a remarkably similar name to Danny Phantom. Apparently, this could be.

Valerie still refused to believe it. Danny Fenton had destroyed her life? She had hunted Danny Fenton, trying to waste him?

No way.

Danny Phantom had helped her with her job at the Nasty Burger? She had dated Danny Phantom?

No way.

Then, she remembered how Danny Phantom had once slipped up and called Jack Fenton, "dad."

That when Phantom was around, Fenton was not.

Everything was falling into place, though she didn't like the place everything was falling into.

The genie had given her what she had wished for. Danny Phantom, to waste.

However, she didn't want to waste Danny.

She didn't waste humans, and she was on friendly terms with Fenton – sometimes more than friendly.

She recalled Danny's plea for her not to destroy Danielle:

"_Fine. Destroy ghosts! But can you really take part in destroying a human?"_

His plea had caused her to rethink her decision to destroy Dani. She supposed that, since Danny Phantom was half-human too, wasting him would be "taking part in destroying a human."

She didn't want to destroy Danny Fenton. Yet, she wanted to destroy Danny Phantom.

Destroying Danny Phantom would destroy Fenton. She wouldn't do that.

"Fenton, go!" yelled Valerie. "You're human. I won't take part in destroying a human."

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Danny smiled at the echo of his words, transformed into his ghost-form and became invisible.


	3. Desirable Dame

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Fairly OddParents _or _Danny Phantom._

**Author's Note: **Constructive criticism welcomed, particularly on characterization.

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**Desirable Dame**

Norm wanted to know more about his master, and ghosts, so he could trick her, escape his lamp, and finally get revenge on Turner. So, he decided to follow her on her next ghost-hunt – which was right now.

Valerie was flying through the sky in her demonic ghost-hunting suit, and so far hadn't encountered any ghosts. Yet.

Norm groaned. His master had a cool suit, but watching someone fly eventually got boring if they did nothing else.

So, Norm shifted his attention to some green smoke that had just came out of a wishing well. There wasn't anything more interesting, was there?

Definitely not, Norm thought, as the smoke turned in a shagadelic genie dame with skin the same color as the smoke. The smoke, and the dame that had come from it were definitely the most interesting things there.

The dame spurted green smoke from her hands, turning the person in front of her into something.

Norm frowned. Genie magic did not work like that. Or at least not any genie magic he'd heard of.

Genies snapped their fingers to do magic. The magic was expressed in a GONG.

They did not spurt green smoke from their hands.

"You're going down, ghost!"

Norm groaned. It was so obvious, why'd he miss it? The genie dame was actually a ghost dame – a shagadelic ghost dame – but still a ghost dame.

Valerie swooped toward the ghost, and started firing at it.

"You wish to defeat me," said the ghost in a frigid, haunting voice.

"Yeah, ghost," replied Valerie. "I do."

"I won't grant your wish though," replied the ghost sinisterly. "Unless, you _phrase _it as a wish, but please don't. I have no _desire _to be defeated, after all."

"Neither do I," replied Valerie. "Luckily for you, I have my own genie, who I don't trust at all, so I won't wish you defeated."

Norm winced at the insult. Being called 'my own genie, who I don't trust at all' in front of a shagadelic dame went beyond embarrassing.

"Foolish mortal, I am the only ghost-genie in existence," said Desiree, her voice clear, frigid, and lordly.

Norm grinned. Well, that lessened the embarrassment. He'd ask her out for a date, and give her a shag, if she believed he existed (and if Valerie hadn't acted like a cruel, bizarro version of the embarrassing parents that some kids have.)

"Who are you?"

Norm's blood metaphorically froze to the temperature of the ghost's voice.

"Norm the Genie," he said. "The magical, awesome, wish-granting, shagadelic, swinging genie!"

"Do you belong to the Red Huntress?"

"Uh…" said Norm, wondering who she was. Then, he glanced at Valerie. She was wearing a cool red suit, and hunted ghosts. "Yeah, I do."

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Desiree smiled sinisterly. She figured that Norm didn't like being owned by humans.

During the ghost Christmas party, there was much discussion of the Red Huntress. If they didn't want to get wasted, the ghosts decided, they'd have to take her down.

"What do you think of the Red Huntress?"

"Uh, she has a cool suit, she's human, she has total control of me," said Norm. "My second point would make my opinion about her very clear, if you knew me well. But, since you don't, so I'll tell you: humans are exploitive idiots."

Perfect.

"Us ghosts hate her too, Norm," Desiree replied in a seductive tone. "She abhors us. She wants to eradicate us."

"What do you think of Timothy Tiberius Turner?"

"Nothing."

"What do you think of me?"

Desiree smiled sinisterly. The genie's desire for her would be the perfect thing to use to manipulate him into defeating the Red Huntress.

"I think that you're intelligent, and cunning," replied Desiree seductively. "You're handsome, and strong. I find it hard to believe that you haven't escaped your master yet. If you wanted to, you could kill her with a re-interpretation of a wish. If you do…"

Her tail intertwined with Norm's in a suggestive manner.

"Kill her?" asked Norm. "I'd much rather trick her into wishing me free – obviously!"

Desiree moved her tail to Norm's chest, and she felt his heart beat miles a minute.

"Alright, dame," said Norm. "I'll kill her."

Desiree smiled sinisterly. Her beauty was perfect for ensnaring the hearts of men, and convincing them to do her whims, though it didn't prevent her from losing her sultan.

Compared to her sultan, Norm was nothing. Nothing but a tool to use to take down the Red Huntress.


End file.
